


Mirror of my scars

by Khalehla



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Dialogue Heavy, Emotionally constipated grandpas, F/M, M/M, Pining, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Protective Natasha Romanov, Red Room Memories, shared life experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-01-31 16:54:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18595486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khalehla/pseuds/Khalehla
Summary: It's a quiet week in international crime; for once the criminals and terrorists and various rogue government agencies are taking a break from making the world an awful place, so Steve and his merry band of outlaws take some R&R time in Wakanda.Bucky couldn't be happier to see Steve again, and the others are great too (even Birdbrain though Bucky would never admit to actually liking Sam in a million years). But maybe it's time for him and Natalia to finally have that talk they'd been avoiding for such a long time.





	Mirror of my scars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eruditemonk (agent_declan)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_declan/gifts).



Bucky has no idea how they’d managed to go months without being alone in the same room considering how important both he and Natasha are to Steve. It’s not that he’d been actively avoiding her, but there was never really a need for them to be together outside of being with other people, and he’d never really felt the need to seek her out. He’d known though, from the first time he’d properly met Steve’s fellow fugitives after coming out of cryo, that there was no way of not talking to her.

The thing is, Bucky remembers her, though not fully. Unlike with Steve, his time in the Red Room had started after the brainwashing had begun, so he was already less Bucky and more the Asset by the time he met the precocious children he would train. He remembers a wiry little redhead who was already far more observant than her counterparts, taking in everything about the stranger/legend in their midst even before she knew how important the Asset would be in her life.

Bucky remembers determination, a stubbornness to not lose even when it was clear she wouldn’t win. And he also remembers accidentally coming across her crying quietly in a corner one day. He’d been so shocked to see his favourite spiderling look so vulnerable, something in him tugging at his conscience, so strong that even he couldn’t ignore it. She’d been terrified of course when he crouched next to her; even at such a young age the Widows were already expected to ignore pain, and her crying over a sprained wrist would be ruthlessly punished as a weakness. But Bucky had held her to him and comforted her in his inadequate way, hoping that she would understand that he cared about her even if he wasn’t allowed to show it during training.

He also remembers meeting her again a dozen years later and being confronted with his favourite trainee no longer a spiderling, but a fully fledged Black Widow, even if the official ceremony hadn’t been performed yet. Even then she was already the best of the group, far too hard and intelligent for someone who was barely past her second decade of life. Training her again had been both a joy and agony, knowing that he was helping sculpt her into the perfect spy, a ruthless killing machine; with what little left of his own agency he still had, he mourned what an emotionless tool she would become. Just like him.

Which is why he’d been taken completely by surprise that she’d kissed him - and not even as part of her training. That part would come later, seduction being an important tool that the Black Widow program had already begun to teach, and though they didn’t know it yet, the Asset would be their ultimate test and prize; what further reward could a Widow need than the bragging rights to having defeated the Asset, their hero and trainer? But in those early months, Natasha - his perfect little spiderling - had been his only anchor to sanity and humanity. And although he knew he didn’t love her - there was not enough left of him to feel anything that powerful, and quite frankly, he doubted she even knew what love was either - he still felt a level of protectiveness and affection that he didn’t ever have for anyone else. For the first time since he could remember as being the Asset, Bucky had _felt_ , and even afterwards, after they’d been found out and he’d lied that she’d succeeded in seducing him, having started the process even before the official test had started, even after he’d been punished for “failing”, he’d never regretted it.

With her here now, calmly watching him across the kitchen counter, looking like she was barely into her 30s despite there being three decades or more since he’d last seen her at training, Bucky can feel the ghosts of the past… connection whispering at him. Frankly, he doesn’t like it.

“I hear you go by Natasha now,” Bucky says, grasping for something to say that isn’t all just excuses or babbled apologies. “It suits you better. Softer.”

“So you do remember,” Natasha says, no doubt reading the micro-expressions on his face.

Bucky shrugs; there’s no point denying it when they both know she’s correct. “Coffee?” he offers instead.

Natasha smiles. “Sure.”

She doesn’t tell him how she takes it, and there’s no point denying either that it’s not a test.

Bucky makes the coffee wordlessly, exactly as she likes it, and he can’t help but smile back when the corners of her lips curl up into the cute little side smile he remembers over the lip of her mug.

They drink their coffees in comfortable silence, but then Bucky turns to her, all serious. “I tried to kill you.”

Natasha sighs. “More than once,” she agrees, sounding weary. “I wasn’t sure if you remembered.”

_You could at least remember me._

The words bounce around in his head, and this time in makes him step back guiltily because it’s a recent memory. “Jesus, I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, resisting the urge to run his hand through his hair in frustration. He feels like he’s done nothing but apologise for all the hurt he’d been a part of since he’d started piecing his memories back in the aftermath of DC. “I’m so-. _Fuck_. Natasha, I-,”

“Don’t.”

The venom in the word surprises him, cutting through his attempted apology and making him gape at her. He’s even more surprised that she looks furious.

“Do not apologise,” she orders. “Not until you’re 100% sure you know what for.”

“Of course I know,” he says slowly, not understanding her anger and not wanting to make it worse. “I hurt you.”

“Do you say that now, from the point of view of someone who is remembering past actions? Or because at the time you understood?”

He doesn’t know. Probably the former, but his instincts tell him that she would not be any less furious at him for admitting it. “I should have taken better care of you,” he says instead.

This throws her off balance enough that he sees her surprise for a fleeting second. “Do you think they would have thanked you for doing that?” she asks, a tiny twist to her lips that nonetheless speaks of scorn. “Your job was to train us, me, into the perfect little fighting machine - anything less would have been failure, would have led to death.” She inhales sharply, eyebrow creasing. “I’m the only one left, you know.”

“You were the best from the beginning,” Bucky says softly. This is nothing but truth; even when she was nothing but a face and number that he was meant to mould, he had already known she was the most likely to survive the training.

“You helped me with that.”

“I wanted you to be the best so you could _survive_ , so you could live.” Bucky lips twist bitterly. “But what type of _life_ did I condemn you to?”

“Would you rather I be dead?”

“What? Of course not!”

“That’s the price we paid for _living_ , James, you know that. Failure meant punishment and death; what choices did we have?”

She’s right, of course she is; still doesn’t soften the harsh reality though. “I wish I’d done better.”

Natasha, rather than answer, just rolls her eyes. “God, you’re so much like _him_ ; so willing to take on blame for things beyond your control. Is that a depression era thing? Because no-one else I know takes to martyrdom the way you and Steve do.”

“I’m not a martyr,” Bucky protests weakly.

Natasha hums, one eyebrow going up. She’s got that amused sceptical look down so well that Bucky can’t help but give her a sheepish smile.

“I don’t blame you, you know,” she says softly, surprising Bucky by laying her hand on his. “You had even less choice than I did, yet you still treated me with kindness.”

“I barely even remember that,” Bucky admits. “You were so young, how else was I supposed to act?”

“You could have done nothing - just like everyone else, just like you were _supposed_ to - but yet you cared for me instead. I was happy, I think. Despite everything, even when I knew it wasn’t real and couldn’t last, I was as happy as I could be given what we were.” A pause. “And I think you were happy too.”

Bucky looks down at the hand that’s still resting on his, and he has a flashback of those same fingers laced between his, newly painted nails scratching into his shoulders, soft hands pulling him close. He flushes at the memory, ducking his head in the hopes that Natasha would somehow miraculously not notice; the soft laugh and gently squeeze of her fingers tells him she most certainly did.

For some reason this makes his chest feel a little lighter, makes his shoulders feel a little less heavy. He lets go of the mug he’s still holding and turns her hand over so he can caress it with his thumb. “All my memories of you are mixed up - little spiderling, beautiful ‘Tashenka, ruthless Widow - but I remember I felt like I had to protect you. You weren’t like the others, I wanted you to be happy, and I think I tried, even if there wasn’t enough of me there to even know what the hell I was doing or what happiness was. But you-” He looks up at her now, needing for her to see the honesty in his words. “You were worth it; whatever happened afterwards, I don’t regret it.”

Bucky knows there was pain before they wiped him, double the punishment because he had taken the blame for her so-called failures as well,

(as though having emotions was a _weakness_ , a million times over: _fuck_ the Red Room)

but he wasn’t lying when he said he never regretted it. He may not know for sure if he was happy, but he never regretted knowing Natasha; she was responsible for one of the rare pieces of his humanity when he was stripped down to nothing but a machine, and he’d treasure those hazy memories for times when the doubts and darkness became too much.

Natasha smiles at him gently, almost sadly, squeezes his hand before releasing it and bringing the mug back up her lips. “It’s been a while since anyone called me that.”

Bucky tips his head to the side. “What? Spiderling? Isn’t that what they called you?”

“That’s what _you_ called _me_ ,” she corrects. “And Itsy Bitsy Spider, from an English song you sang for me sometimes.”

“God I _remember_ that!”

“You never called the others by anything other than their names, and you never gave them nicknames either. I think they were jealous. Yelena certainly was; she was even more vicious the next time we fought. She actually pulled my hair.”

Bucky huffs a laugh in surprise. “Did you get her back?”

“Yes of course; I dug at her pimple with my nail. Left a scar that she had to cover up for about a week. It was glorious.”

They share a laugh at the vindictiveness of young girls.

“Does Steve know?” Bucky asks after a moment of sitting in peaceful reflection.

“About what? That we knew each other? That you trained me? That we were lovers?”

Bucky feels himself flush again and curses himself silently for it. “Yes.”

Natasha quirks an eyebrow a him, amusement clear on her face. “Are you worried?”

No. Yes. Maybe. He doesn’t know how he feels about Steve knowing this part of his history. He’s not ashamed; what he and Natasha had been through was something no-one should have to endure and the fact that they had had this small island of sanity and humanity during their time in the Red Room is something he would never regret. But it’s also extremely personal, something even he hasn’t had time to process yet in addition to everything else, so sharing this little part of him even with Steve is something he needs to build up to.

“I wouldn’t know how to tell him,” Bucky admits. “I mean I know he doesn’t blame me for everything I did as the Winter Soldier, but even this has to be in the top three worst things I’ve ever done. Training little girls to be killers; fucking hell, doesn’t get lower than that, does it?”

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t see it that way, James.”

“I _know_. It’s just…” Bucky trails off, not even sure where he’s going with this.

“I think he has an idea. But he’s never outright brought it up. I think he’s too scared to ask; doesn’t want to impinge on our privacy, despite the fact that it was me who dumped everything on the internet.” Natasha smiles. “ _Such_ a gentleman.”

“Steve’s always been hopeless around beautiful women,” Bucky smiles. “You should’ve seen him around Pegs; he would trip over his own feet just walking next to her. _Hopeless_.”

“I can see that happening. I tried to set him up with so many people you know, and it never really worked out. I thought he’d get over his shyness if he just went on enough dates. Although I think he’s gotten better; he works with agents all the time, after all.”

Bucky nods, mind going back to a certain pretty blonde that Steve had kissed while he had sat at the back of an old VW. The memory isn’t a good one; though he knows he should be happy that Steve had obviously met someone impressively competent and attractive, it had made some latent feelings of jealousy and possessiveness rise up that he’d had to squash rather ruthlessly. He wasn’t proud of how he felt then, and wasn’t willing to give into them now, not after everything Steve had already sacrificed for him. Steve deserves everything - a chance of happiness and someone to love him and take care of him in the way he never got with Peggy - and Bucky isn’t gonna be an asshole friend who tried to hold Steve back.

“That’s good; he deserves to he happy. I just wish he wasn’t stuck here in hiding so he could actually try and make a go at having a relationship.”

“I seriously doubt a romantic entanglement is high on Steve’s priority list right now.”

“Maybe, but he shouldn’t just rule it out He won’t be a fugitive forever, I hope he’s making plans for the future.”

Natasha looks rather sceptical, which admittedly surprises Bucky, given she’d just admitted to having been actively trying to find Steve dates. “Maybe his future plans involve someone with, I don’t know, _shared life experiences?_ Well, that’s what he told me once when I asked him about all those rejected dates. Seemed to be a big deal to him, finding someone who understood him and not just as Captain America, someone who saw Steve Rogers without the serum. It seems to me the number of people out there who meet that criteria is pretty small. Less than a handful. Maybe just one?”

Bucky gives her a sharp look, not quite knowing what Natasha’s trying to imply here. If he can read between the lines, decipher the unspoken words, she’s insinuating that there’s no-one yet who’s met Steve’s apparent criteria for someone to date and that apparently only person-.

Bucky stops that thought in its track because no matter what Natasha has inferred from Steve’s words, there is no way that Bucky would be that one person.

(But by God a tiny part of him that he’s shut away for years and decades and lifetimes is screaming to be let out, lashing out in _want_.)

He has to stop this line of conversation before it enters into territory that he isn’t ready to handle just yet.

“And you? You looking for someone with shared life experiences as well? Someone like, I don’t know, a certain archer with beefy arms? Someone who obviously cares about you a great deal?” Bucky’s not blind; he’s seen the subtle differences in Natasha’s relationship with Clint, the closeness and softness that she is with him that she isn’t with anyone else, even Steve. Anyone else probably wouldn’t notice, but Bucky has always been observant.

To her credit, Natasha doesn’t deny anything, just shrugs one shoulder, giving him this deflection. “Oh you know how it is; being an international fugitive is hard when you have your brother’s family to look after. I've always known he was going to go back for them, they’re his first priority. I wasn’t going to ask him for more than he could give, he’s already given enough for me.”

Bucky can’t help by roll his eyes. “God, Nat, did you even ask him whether he would have been willing to stay with you? Did you even give him an option?”

“That’s rather rich coming from you,” she counters with narrowed eyes. “Have you managed to talk to Steve about _your_ feelings? Tell him you love him, and not just as a best friend?”

“Come on, that’s unfair!” Bucky exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. Fuck! Of course she knew, but damn if Bucky was going to give in and actually admit anything out loud.

“How?”

“You know how!”

“Explain it to me.”

“For fuck’s sake Nat, you _know!_ ”

“I know what? That he loves you enough to go against over a hundred governments and fight half of his friends for you? Because he did that, in case you’ve forgotten, only a few months ago. How about how he cares about you so much that he would rather let you beat him to death than fight you because he would rather die than live in a world where you didn’t know him?”

“What? No, that’s not how it is!”

“You think? You think that’s not how Steve feels?”

“We’re best friends,” Bucky chokes out, the words weak even to his his own ears. God why is she doing this to him? Bringing all this up and giving Bucky hope when he knows that none of it’s true? That’s just how Steve _was_ , too noble and loyal for his own good; it had _nothing_ to do with Steve loving him in any special way, no matter what Natasha thinks.

“Best friends since childhood,” Natasha continues ruthlessly. “Best friends who have repeatedly proven that they would die for each other, burn the world down for the other, break seventy years of brainwashing for the other, give _everything_ for each other. That type of best friend?”

Bucky doesn’t answer, just turns his back and dumps the contents of his mug into the sink before rinsing it out. He stands there, hand braced on the counter, breathing, trying to get his emotions under control.

“It’s always been us,” Bucky says quietly after a minute. “Even when we had nothing we had each other. You can’t just switch that type of friendship off, not after everything we’ve been through.” He turns back to her, willing her to understand. “But you gotta understand, we were never more than that.” She looks like she’s about to protest so he cuts her off quickly. “No matter how I felt about Steve, he was still first and foremost my best friend, and him being happy is all that I care about; he deserves that.”

“And you don’t think he could be happy with you?” she asks gently.

Bucky shakes his head. “He’s sacrificed too much, and he’ll keep doing that because he’s a good man; I can’t keep demanding so much of him, it’s not fair.”

“I think you underestimate how much he’s willing to give you even without you asking.”

“He shouldn’t have to-”

“But he chooses to, because he wants to, because he cares.” Natasha comes around the island, places her mug in the sink with his. “I’ve gotten to know Steve in the past few years really well, and the one thing I am absolutely sure of is that he would never do anything under duress; he only does things he believes in. What do you think the argument over the Accords with Tony was about? Because Steve wouldn’t be pressured into signing something that he couldn’t abide by, and he was willing to fight for it. He fights for what he believes in, and that includes you.” She smiles, reaching out slowly to carefully cup his face. “He’d always believed you were innocent, and in the end, his instincts were right. He’s annoying like that, being right, but we all follow him because of that integrity, and when he says you’re worth fighting for, you should learn to believe it, too.”

Bucky shakes his head. “I’m _not_.”

“You _are_.”

“What I’ve done-”

“Was out of your control. We all see it, even Sam. You’re a good man, James, even if you have a hard time accepting it.”

Bucky chokes out a sob; her words are too much, too much. “How can you say that? I failed you.”

“This again? I told you how I feel about that.”

“But-”

Natasha places a finger to his lips. “No buts.”

Bucky makes a noise in his throat but she shushes him. “Steve was right when he said it’s hard to find someone with shared life experiences. In this world we live in, it’s hard to trust, hard to be pull down the walls, but when those rare moments come, when we find people who we can be vulnerable with, be ourselves with, those moments are the ones that get us through the hard times. It took me a long time to learn that lesson, but there are people who are worth the risk. Clint, Steve, Fury, Hill - there aren’t many people I trust like that, but they’re there.” Natasha traces his cheekbones lightly with her fingers. “You and I, what we had was a gift - I see this now. I once thought love was for children, probably because the first time I learnt to love someone I was just a child desperate for someone to care for me. And you were there. You took care of me; even when we both knew that it was all going to end in pain, you still managed to find a way to stop me from losing myself totally like Yelena and the others did.”

Bucky clenches his eyes shut, the regrets coursing through him again. He didn’t deserve her kindness, no matter what she insisted. “Obviously I didn’t look after you enough,” he whispers harshly. “I should have found a way to get you out. They were going to punish me anyway; I should have tried _harder_.”

Natasha slaps him lightly. “Don’t you _dare,_ ” she hisses. “Bucky look at me.”

It’s the use of 'Bucky' instead of 'James' that makes Bucky open his eyes in surprise. She rarely ever did that, more comfortable still in calling him ‘James’.

“Don’t you dare blame yourself like that when there was nothing you could have done that didn’t end up with both of us dead instead. I survived because you helped me be the best; I got out because you taught me to be human despite the Red Room trying their damnedest to beat our humanity out of us. If you hadn’t taught me to treasure what little parts of myself I had left, I wouldn’t have found the courage to leave when I started losing even those little parts.” Natasha holds his face firmly in both hands now, expression fierce. “I survived because you taught me to treasure life; don’t you dare punish yourself because you think you failed me when you’re a big reason why I’m even alive today.”

Bucky stifles a sob, her words piercing through him, his heart clenching at the tears he can see in her eyes. “God,” he gasps. “My _Natashenka._  You deserved _better_. So much better.”

“We all do,” she says softly. “But we don’t always get what we deserve, and we have to make do the best with what we have. And you are worth it, James, no matter how much you try to tell yourself otherwise. Steve believes it, and so do I; let that be enough.”

It’s not, not even close, but as Natasha draws him close, he wraps his arm around her tight and buries his face in her shoulder. She’s given him a gift: her words, her faith in him, giving him an insight into Steve he was never privy to; she’s shown her vulnerability willingly, exposing the invisible scars that could be a mirror to his own. He still doesn’t think he’s worth the sacrifice, despite what she and Steve insist, but he’ll hold on to their faith, this gift, and maybe one day he’ll believe it too. He owes them this much.

**Author's Note:**

> Some clarification notes:
> 
> Clint is uncle to Laura and his brother Barney's children, because _wtf, AoU??_  
>  There is no Bruce-Nat, because _wtf, AoU??_  
>  Nat's age will reflect her comics age more as she will be a lot older than she looks due to her being injected with a version of the Infinity serum.


End file.
